England is out, and with that their boring team and hooligans are going home to lick their wounds after showing their "skills" in Europe. Surely their manager Roy Hodgson (the most highly paid of all Euro managers) will have to go, and England will be reflecting and making excuses about their 2-1 loss to a much, much better Iceland side.
So with that, I would like to help the English and their excuses:
10. "Uh! Is that an Icelander farting or a mighty volcano!?!"
9. "We contributed to making football history"
8. "The Iceland manager is a part time dentist, which explains why they have more Teeth than the English"
7. "At least we lost to a non-EU side; better than being humiliated by France."
6. "The Icelanders do not have a professional league, which means they have more time to train passes and free kicks"
5. "Russia is out anyway, so nobody to get into fights with"
4. "We are still second best among the British teams"
3. "There are too many foreigners in English football; that is why we cannot develop the skills of our players"
2. "We are better off outside Europe anyway"
1. "I thought Iceland was part of the Shetland islands...?"
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Monday, June 27, 2016
Friday, May 02, 2014
Top ten consolations when you lose
With age comes wisdom. When I was younger I would become quite depressed for days when my football team lost. While my recent disappointment about Valencia's last minute debacle brought down my world for a moment, I have subsequently reflected more on this type of disappointment, which all football fans have undoubtedly tried. Here are the top ten things that console me when we lose:
10) A Beer
9) Blame the coach, who did not do what you would have done.
8) Demonise the opposing team (Easy if it is a country)
7) Complain on social media (from personal experience I can also recommend a blog)
6) Another beer.
5) Look at old clips of your team's glorious moments.
4) Complain to someone who never watches football and cannot understand the subjectivity of your apparently objective arguments.
3) More beer.
2) "Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. That is football".
1) Beer.
10) A Beer
9) Blame the coach, who did not do what you would have done.
8) Demonise the opposing team (Easy if it is a country)
7) Complain on social media (from personal experience I can also recommend a blog)
6) Another beer.
5) Look at old clips of your team's glorious moments.
4) Complain to someone who never watches football and cannot understand the subjectivity of your apparently objective arguments.
3) More beer.
2) "Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. That is football".
1) Beer.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Who would you rather see walking on Copacabana?
With Sweden facing Portugal in the World Cup play-offs one thing is certain: a side with great haircuts will be out. And yesterday Portugal took the first round by winning 1-0 on a late goal by Cristiano Ronaldo. After a shaky start Portugal were indeed the better side, but 1-0 is a very narrow victory to go to Sweden with, and it will be a thrilling second match.
I admit that both teams are great sides that surely belong in a World Cup. So I have to use other criteria to decide on who to support. The question is: who would I rather see walking in a bikini on Copacabana? A Portuguese or a Swedish lady...?
I admit that both teams are great sides that surely belong in a World Cup. So I have to use other criteria to decide on who to support. The question is: who would I rather see walking in a bikini on Copacabana? A Portuguese or a Swedish lady...?
Thursday, June 06, 2013
Venezuelan banter
There is not much "friendly" banter in South America, where tempers swell. And as we know in Europe, banter can sometimes go overboard, but fortunately it is mostly a thing where one teases your coming opponents for being useless drunks and crybabies before a match.
Like all FC Copenhagen fans ;)
So I found it quite amusing when the Bolivian football star, Marco Etcheverry ("el Diablo"), before the world qualifying match Bolivia-Venezuela in La Paz next Friday, said that Venezuela "in my view are the best to make soap operas, with the Mexicans, and they have the best Miss Universes, for which I congratulate them", but then went on to say that Venezuela has done nothing on the football pitch and will leave La Paz "on their knees". (http://www.noticias24.com/internacionales/noticia/61272/el-diablo-etcheverry-desestimo-encuentro-con-la-vinotinto-son-buenos-para-hacer-novelas-y-misses/)
(Etcheverry was wrong on one point: Venezuelan soap operas are much better than the Mexican ones!)
When Venezuela was facing Chile earlier in the qualification, some Chilean reporters said the same and it also infuriated many Venezuelans, and I find this amazing: it is so innocent and funny that it should be rather laughed at than angered at! Normally Venezuelans are funny and quick-witted, but here they continue to act rather like little offended children.
I must admit find it harder and harder to support Venezuela in their effort to qualify to their first world cup given how sensitive people are about it, and how offended they get when one criticises anything about their team or fans.
That said, since the Venezuelans apparently need it, I help them by providing my top-five come-back phrases to use on the Bolivians:
Like all FC Copenhagen fans ;)
So I found it quite amusing when the Bolivian football star, Marco Etcheverry ("el Diablo"), before the world qualifying match Bolivia-Venezuela in La Paz next Friday, said that Venezuela "in my view are the best to make soap operas, with the Mexicans, and they have the best Miss Universes, for which I congratulate them", but then went on to say that Venezuela has done nothing on the football pitch and will leave La Paz "on their knees". (http://www.noticias24.com/internacionales/noticia/61272/el-diablo-etcheverry-desestimo-encuentro-con-la-vinotinto-son-buenos-para-hacer-novelas-y-misses/)
(Etcheverry was wrong on one point: Venezuelan soap operas are much better than the Mexican ones!)
When Venezuela was facing Chile earlier in the qualification, some Chilean reporters said the same and it also infuriated many Venezuelans, and I find this amazing: it is so innocent and funny that it should be rather laughed at than angered at! Normally Venezuelans are funny and quick-witted, but here they continue to act rather like little offended children.
I must admit find it harder and harder to support Venezuela in their effort to qualify to their first world cup given how sensitive people are about it, and how offended they get when one criticises anything about their team or fans.
That said, since the Venezuelans apparently need it, I help them by providing my top-five come-back phrases to use on the Bolivians:
- 5) Yeah, you made it to one world cup. Congratulations. 20 years ago. Wow. How did you do in it anyway?
- 4) At least we do not need to play at 4000 meters to win.
- 3) Even though we do not play at 4000 meters, we do win at home anyway.
- 2) We may "only" be fifth in the qualification group. But where are you? We never look below us.
- 1) There will surely be another Venezuelan Miss Universe someday, but there will NEVER be a Bolivian Miss Universe.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Top ten excuses for Luis Suarez
Luis Suarez is surely not the best footballer ever, but the most stupid footballer ever, yes.
That said, I would like to give him a helping hand, so I have some suggestions as excuses he can use to defend himself about his latest outrageous behavior:
10. "Ivanovic put his body into my mouth on purpose!"
9. "Have you not seen the size of my teeth?"
8. "The Europeans do not understand Latin Americans and our culture."
7. "I want to be like Mike (Tyson)"
6. "I thought football was a contact sport?"
5. "Give me some credit! At least I did not racially abuse him!"
4. "I love being suspended. It gives me time to play with myself!"
3. "I want 'La Garra Uruguaya' to be renamed 'La Dentadura Uruguaya'"
2. "As you know, we Uruguayans are known for biting into people..."
1. "'You'll never bite alone'?"
That said, I would like to give him a helping hand, so I have some suggestions as excuses he can use to defend himself about his latest outrageous behavior:
10. "Ivanovic put his body into my mouth on purpose!"
9. "Have you not seen the size of my teeth?"
8. "The Europeans do not understand Latin Americans and our culture."
7. "I want to be like Mike (Tyson)"
6. "I thought football was a contact sport?"
5. "Give me some credit! At least I did not racially abuse him!"
4. "I love being suspended. It gives me time to play with myself!"
3. "I want 'La Garra Uruguaya' to be renamed 'La Dentadura Uruguaya'"
2. "As you know, we Uruguayans are known for biting into people..."
1. "'You'll never bite alone'?"
Thursday, July 21, 2011
How to motivate the Paraguayans
Sometimes there simply is no justice in football. Sometimes the one team that plays like a bunch of violent shits wins, and this has just happened with Paraguay, who has made it to the final of the Copa América by not winning a single match in ordinary time. Instead, they retort to defensiveness, dirty tricks and filthy provocations to make it to the penalty kicks, where their only "good" player (I say so, because you cannot call someone good who plays for such a team), Justo Villar, takes care of business for them.
Paraguay is simply the last shit one wants football to be known for, and the very last thing that one wants to come out of South American football!
Venezuela was far better, specially in extra time, but the football Gods were not with the Vinotinto.
That said, they have been great - the true revelation of the tournament! Venezuelans should be proud, and stand behind their side for the coming World Cup qualifiers. It would be fun for me to meet some Venezuelans in Brazil in 2014, and tell them that I lived in their country when they emerged from the shadows of international football.
I have a suggestion of top-5 things that they can motivate Paraguay´s team with for the final:
5. An education (in Spanish)
4. To change their yellow and red cards into cash
3. Work visas for Argentina
2. To rename the team "Paragay"
1. Paternity tests
Paraguay is simply the last shit one wants football to be known for, and the very last thing that one wants to come out of South American football!
Venezuela was far better, specially in extra time, but the football Gods were not with the Vinotinto.
That said, they have been great - the true revelation of the tournament! Venezuelans should be proud, and stand behind their side for the coming World Cup qualifiers. It would be fun for me to meet some Venezuelans in Brazil in 2014, and tell them that I lived in their country when they emerged from the shadows of international football.
I have a suggestion of top-5 things that they can motivate Paraguay´s team with for the final:
5. An education (in Spanish)
4. To change their yellow and red cards into cash
3. Work visas for Argentina
2. To rename the team "Paragay"
1. Paternity tests
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
The presidential kick
President Evo Morales of Bolivia plays on a football team, and a couple of days ago he came on the world media when he did something that was not so fair-play:
A lot of people would perhaps think this is a bad example to set by a president, but on the other hand, football is about passion, and if he has to lose his head, surely better he does it on the football pitch!
The referee didn't give him a red card - of course, it is the president!
A lot of people would perhaps think this is a bad example to set by a president, but on the other hand, football is about passion, and if he has to lose his head, surely better he does it on the football pitch!
The referee didn't give him a red card - of course, it is the president!
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Rules for the World Cup
And a reminder to why I am single....
"1. From 11th June to 11th July 2010, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor... it wont happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “get over it, its only a game”, or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less.
7. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break up or divorce.
8. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.
9. The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
10. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a. I will not go,
b. I will not go, and
c. I will not go.
11. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
12. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this...why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch??”, the reply will be: “Refer to Rule #2 of this list”.
13. And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years”. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Italian League, Spanish League, etc etc.
14. Thank you for your co-operation.
Regards,
Men of the World"
"1. From 11th June to 11th July 2010, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor... it wont happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “get over it, its only a game”, or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less.
7. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break up or divorce.
8. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.
9. The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
10. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a. I will not go,
b. I will not go, and
c. I will not go.
11. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
12. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this...why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch??”, the reply will be: “Refer to Rule #2 of this list”.
13. And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years”. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Italian League, Spanish League, etc etc.
14. Thank you for your co-operation.
Regards,
Men of the World"
Sunday, May 02, 2010
Top 5 Stephen Gerrard excuses
Liverpool and Chelsea played today in another important match in the extremely close race for the title between Chelsea and Manchester United. After a 2-0 victory, Chelsea is only one victory away from winning the Premier League title. But what will perhaps be mostly remembered about the match is the Liverpool captain's Stephen Gerrard's gift to the Chelsea team after half an hour at the score 0-0: Gerrard made a perfect pass in front of the goal to Didier Drogba, who had no problems bringing Chelsea ahead.
But What happened to Mr. Gerrrard...?
5. "I thought the guy in the blue shirt was Pepe Reina!"
4. "No entiendo español"
3. "Never walk alone, Didier"
2. "If the league title is not to be for Liverpool, it should not go to Manchester United!"
1. "Hey, Abramovic! Look at my passing abilities!"
But What happened to Mr. Gerrrard...?
5. "I thought the guy in the blue shirt was Pepe Reina!"
4. "No entiendo español"
3. "Never walk alone, Didier"
2. "If the league title is not to be for Liverpool, it should not go to Manchester United!"
1. "Hey, Abramovic! Look at my passing abilities!"
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Motivational video
Apparently Barcelona coach Pep Guardiola motivated his players in the CL final against Manchester United by showing them a video comparing it to the movie gladiator. The movie is now on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8Dhj7KsEyQ
It may be a strange way to motivate football players, but hey, these players are all from a generation that has grown up with Hollywood blockbusters, so I am sure that Mr. Guardiola is on to something after seeing them destroy Manchester United in the final.
At least I must admit that after watching it, I have been feeling like going out to play a CL final!
It may be a strange way to motivate football players, but hey, these players are all from a generation that has grown up with Hollywood blockbusters, so I am sure that Mr. Guardiola is on to something after seeing them destroy Manchester United in the final.
At least I must admit that after watching it, I have been feeling like going out to play a CL final!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Cristiano Ronaldo's Top-5 excuses for losing the CL final
I don't think that Mr. Cristiano Ronaldo will need my advice, but here are possible suggestions for excuses he can use for having lost the Champions League final against FC Barcelona:
- I couldn't focus on the match as I kept admiring Puyol's hair
- I want to be just like Real Madrid (because I want to go there) and be humilliated by Barcelona
- They shouldn't even have been in the final; only because of a Norwegian referee
- My teammates underperformed
- Puyol is better at diving than me
Friday, May 01, 2009
Football and swine flu
The panic that is gripping the world as we face a global swine-flu pandemic has hit football! (I guess we cannot remain an island from the rest of society, as much as all football fans would love to).
In a match in the Copa Libertadores between the Mexican side Chivas and the Chilean side Everton, a Mexican player snotted and spit on on a Chilean player, while saying he would pass him the swine-flu (check it out: http://www.marca.com/2009/05/01/futbol/futbol_internacional/1241159445.html - it is really disgusting)
Don't you just miss the days when players would just get into a good old fight...?
In a match in the Copa Libertadores between the Mexican side Chivas and the Chilean side Everton, a Mexican player snotted and spit on on a Chilean player, while saying he would pass him the swine-flu (check it out: http://www.marca.com/2009/05/01/futbol/futbol_internacional/1241159445.html - it is really disgusting)
Don't you just miss the days when players would just get into a good old fight...?
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Top ten: comments from Michael Laudrup after he was fired at Spartak
10) "We have not had the referees with us!"
9) "I will need to open a vodka-import for this"
8) "What is Erik Larsen going to do now?"
7) "Come on! We were eliminated in the Russian cup, but I am aiming at the Champions League!"
6) "With my distinguished coaching career, maybe now I can become national team coach, which is only a part-time job anyway"
9) "I will need to open a vodka-import for this"
8) "What is Erik Larsen going to do now?"
7) "Come on! We were eliminated in the Russian cup, but I am aiming at the Champions League!"
6) "With my distinguished coaching career, maybe now I can become national team coach, which is only a part-time job anyway"
5) "What does вы произвели mean?"
4) "I thought I was going to be allowed to spend billions on dollars on players before being fired!?"
3) "Spartak who?"
2) "You mean I was actually working here!?"
1) "Muchas Gracias"
4) "I thought I was going to be allowed to spend billions on dollars on players before being fired!?"
3) "Spartak who?"
2) "You mean I was actually working here!?"
1) "Muchas Gracias"
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
David Beckham as Real Madrid coach?
As Florentino Perez is fighting to regain the presidency of Real Madrid, new credible rumours have come out that he has offered the position as head coach of Real Madrid to none other than David Beckham. Although Mr. Beckham has no coaching experience, he could potentially provide a lot to the team where he played as one of the "galácticos". Mr. Beckham is nevertheless not going to run away from his existing contracts with AC Milan and LA Galaxy; instead, Mr. Perez has made an agreement where Mr. Beckham will be acting as player in those two clubs, at the same time as he will be coaching Real Madrid!
It will surely be busy for Mr. Beckham, but if anyone can do it, it is surely Spice Boy!
It will surely be busy for Mr. Beckham, but if anyone can do it, it is surely Spice Boy!
Friday, October 12, 2007
Top Five Dida Excuses
Dida, AC Milan's great acting Brazilian goalkeeper just got two days match ban for his performance against Celtic.
I have a proposal of top five excuses he could use though:
5) Come on! I deserve an Oscar!
4) He patted me! Nobody did that before! I was so touched!
3) Too much Scottish whisky for me!
2) It was a delayed reaction. I am really that slow!
1) He smeared my make-up!
I have a proposal of top five excuses he could use though:
5) Come on! I deserve an Oscar!
4) He patted me! Nobody did that before! I was so touched!
3) Too much Scottish whisky for me!
2) It was a delayed reaction. I am really that slow!
1) He smeared my make-up!
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Top-ten reasons for Mourinho leaving Chelsea
And just as I am starting to read football news again, a bomb-shell falls in the world of football news: José Mourinho, undoubtedly one of the best but also controversial coaches in the world, is leaving Chelsea, whom he made double Champions after almost 50 years, FA cup winners and League Cup winners. There has been talk of disagreements between José Mourinho and Chelsea-owner Abramovich, and disappointment at the late performance of the team. However, I have my top-10 reasons for Mourinho leaving
10. “Abramovich never lets me try out his cool mini-sub”
9. José Mourinho still refused to be re-dubbed Josef Mourinovitch…
8. His text-messaging bill was swallowing up his entire salary.
7. “I can always retire to a more quiet life of becoming coach of a national team like the Portuguese.”
6. “I want another striker or I will tell my Mommy…!!!!”
5. “Why does Princess Diana still get all the attention!?”
4. There are plenty of billionaires buying second-rate teams that Mourinho may make champions with just buying players and no coaching.
3. Portuguese haircuts just never caught on in
2. It was lonely for him to be the only super-star in the club.
1. God needed a coach for his team, and Mourinho was the most able candidate.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Taunting the Dutch
Friendly taunting is part of the World Cup. I certainly don't hold back with taunting the English for their "pretty boy" team or the French for their old men.
The Germans have always been a great object (of not so often friendly) taunting. So I found this website very amusing: http://www.das-war-wohl-nix.com/
A German getting back at the Dutch team on its way back to the Netherlands. A good friendly laugh indeed!
Thursday, June 08, 2006
List of Rules During the World Cup
A good friend just sent me this "list of rules for wives, girlfriends, mothers, etc." during the World Cup. For some strange reason she said she thought of me...
But here they come:
"1. From 9th June to 9th July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor... it wont happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “get over it, its only a game”, or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less.
7. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break up or divorce.
8. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.
9. The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
10. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a. I will not go,
b. I will not go, and
c. I will not go.
11. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
12. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this...why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch??”, the reply will be: “Refer to Rule #2 of this list”.
13. And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years”. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Italian League, Spanish League, etc etc.
14. Thank you for your co-operation.
Regards,
Men of the World"
But here they come:
"1. From 9th June to 9th July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor... it wont happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “get over it, its only a game”, or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less.
7. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break up or divorce.
8. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.
9. The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
10. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a. I will not go,
b. I will not go, and
c. I will not go.
11. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
12. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this...why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch??”, the reply will be: “Refer to Rule #2 of this list”.
13. And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years”. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Italian League, Spanish League, etc etc.
14. Thank you for your co-operation.
Regards,
Men of the World"
And I guess that is why I am single...
Friday, January 06, 2006
A difficult match
The Brøndby team was on its way to Copenhagen for another encounter between Brøndby and FC Copenhagen. This time, however, the Brøndby players were not overly motivated.
“Do we really have to go? Why don’t we just go down have some beers?”
“We have to do it boys, this is our job, no matter how easy it is”, was the only thing coach Michael Laudrup could say.
Suddenly, in the midst of the gloom, defender Per Nielsen said “Look guys, you have all had a long season. Why don’t you let me alone play against FC Copenhagen, while you can all take the day off?”
“Do we really have to go? Why don’t we just go down have some beers?”
“We have to do it boys, this is our job, no matter how easy it is”, was the only thing coach Michael Laudrup could say.
Suddenly, in the midst of the gloom, defender Per Nielsen said “Look guys, you have all had a long season. Why don’t you let me alone play against FC Copenhagen, while you can all take the day off?”
The rest of the Brøndby players lit up, and Michael Laudrup was also thankful to his Captain. So while Per Nielsen went play the match all by himself, the rest of Brøndby went to a bar, where they were drinking beer and playing pool, while listening to the game in the radio: “After 10 minutes, Brøndby is ahead 1-0 on a goal by the only player, Per Nielsen!”, the commentator said, and the Brøndby players continued in the bar without worrying.
But towards the end of the game the commentator suddenly exclaimed: “FC Copenhagen has just equalized with only a few seconds remaining of the match!”
The Brøndby players could not believe their ears, and they hurried to the stadium, where they met a very disappointed Per Nielsen.
“Per! What the hell happened!?” Coach Michael Laudrup exclaimed!
A gloomy Per Nielsen said: “I received a red-card fifteen minutes into the second half…”
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Top-10 biggest football mistakes of 2005
2005 has been a year where many have brought negative attention upon themselves in the world of football. This is my top-10 list of the so-called "turds":
- 10) Referee Yoshida: The Japanese referee did not know the rules in the World Cup qualifier between Uzbekistan and Bahrain. He annulled a penalty goal for Uzbekistan because a player ran onto the pitch. The game was cancelled, and in the end Bahrain qualified.
- 9) Gambia fans: The fans of Gambia also have the privilege of being on my cool-top-10, for exactly the same reason they are on this list: their stunt of faking an emergency landing in Peru, in order to make it to a match on time.
- 8) Jorge Fosatti: Uruguay did not qualify for the World Cup, and is a great football nation that will be missed in Germany. They lost their final play-off match against Australia. Before the play-off match, the Uruguayan coach Fosatti, had been very arrogant and had spoken lowly of the Australia team, only to be beaten on the pitch.
- 7) Abel Xavier: The Portuguese defender of Middelsborough was tested positive for doping in November, and he was suspended for 18 months.
- 6) Wayne Rooney: He is undoubtfully a wonderful player. But this year his temper has run off with him too many times, which has brought unwanted attention on him. First was his attack on David Beckham during the Northern Ireland-England World Cup qualifier, and then his foolish red card in the Manchester United-Villarreal Champions League match. It seems lately he has managed to control himself, so I hope he can avoid getting on this list next year!
- 5) Referee Robert Hoyser: This German referee brought forth the specter of corrupt referees in football. Scandals also emerged in Brazil, but what makes Mr. Hoyser special, is that he was sentenced to 2 years in prison because of his admitting to fixing nine matches. And this was in the country that will host next year's World Cup...
- 4) Turkish fans: A disgrace when Turkish fans showed themselves as bad losers, and threw many things at the Swiss players who had just beaten Turkey to qualify for the World Cup in Germany.
- 3) Turkish players: More pathetic that their own fans, were the players of the Turkish national team. When the game between Turkey and Switzerland ended, with Switzerland qualifying for the World Cup, the disappointment of the Turkish players turned into blind rage, and they were caught on camera attacking Swiss players. Turkey should be suspended.
- 2) Italian fans: Racism in football has continued growing this year. While last year it was the Spanish fans, this year it has been in Italy. The issue came to a high in November, when the Ivorian player of Messina, Zoro, was reduced to tears by Inter Milan's fans racist chants.
- 1) Paolo Di Canio: With racism being the scourge of football and European society nowadays, it is pathetic to see the captain of Lazio, one of Italy's leading clubs, do a facist salute to the openly racist fans whenever he scores a goal. He has been fined and suspended for it, but he says he will continue doing it.
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