Semifinals

Some people are calling this a historical Copa América. Admittedly, the tactical standard has been high, and all teams have proven hard to defeat. With the big teams not having performed, it seems any idiot can win this cup with discipline and defending. It is not a tournament that has been characterized by the technical skill and flair that South American football is known for. Perhaps those times are gone. The semifinals of the Copa América will not be some that will catch the world's attention, nor live on in the memory of football fans, unless you support one of the teams, or, like me, live in Venezuela.

• Uruguay-Peru

It is just difficult to have sympathy with Uruguay. A small country whose greatest moment was to win a trophy of eleven kicking a ball in 1950, and who made it to the semifinals of the last world cup on penalty kicks against a Ghanaian side that deserved to win, both for their style, but also for their fair play. If they deserve any reluctant credit for anything, it is for eliminating an Argentinean side that should be in for a big overhaul.

Peru is a team of Guinea-pig eaters, who are mostly in the semifinal thanks to their foreign coach. Truth is that Peru has done nothing in football since the 1970s, and since then Peruvian press and fans have spent most of the time trashing their national side. A team with fans like that hardly deserve a trophy.

• Paraguay-Venezuela

Against Brazil, Paraguay had one shot on goal to win the match on Brazil's poor penalty shooting. If that is not luck…? Some people have called them the Italians of South America due to their defensive style, but I believe that is to underservedly credit the Paraguayans, who surely barely reach Italy to its heels. If I have to say something nice about Paraguay, it's that they have found two lady fans with big titties to show around in the stadium during the matches; perhaps two of the few women in the country that the president has not slept with.

Every team I support always loses, so I will try not to support Venezuela. Football-wise, they are the only semifinalist that has played half-way entertaining, but has also been lucky.
That said, Venezuela is a baseball country. Before this tournament nobody talked about their footballing side (which was decent, even if anyone here did follow football!), but all of a sudden everyone seems to be an expert. I am happy for Venezuelans, and if they carry through the sensation and win, I will sit on my fucking chair alone and look out of the fucking window to see Caracas celebrating, and wish I were part of it.